04 May What does Self Love mean? How can I Love myself more?
Every day when I wake up, I go into meditation and I ask for guidance. I ask the higher spirit what Benjamin has to do today. But Mostly, I remind myself that I have to take care of me first… Because if you forget about taking care of yourself you will be out of balance. And without taking care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of other people you love…
So what does self-love mean? How can I love myself more? How can I take care of myself without feeling guilty?
I hear you, this is why today I want to share with you 3 stories from my own personal experience. 3 keys that will change your perspectives forever. I hope those words will bring lightness to your heart and you will find compassion for yourself and love for yourself. Because this is all that matter.
I would love to dedicate this text to the one who inspired me to write, to the beautiful woman I met and inspired me to change, to grow again, to challenge myself and to have more compassion, more self-love, self-respect, and self-discipline…
Roosevelt, Churchill, and one of my great heroes, Will Smith said one day, behind all successful man there is a great woman… I can tell you that, behind my deep breakthrough on how to take care of myself there is a beautiful goddess and I will be infinitely grateful for that.
I believe our relationships are truly here to help us to grow, to heal, especially when you meet a soul mate and good lord I loved this woman. She reflected so much on my own weakness, on my own fuck up patterns.
Have you ever been so attracted to someone that you completely forget to take care of yourself, that you put your power and your responsibility in other for your own happiness? No, this is the wrong way, because you will lose your way to make yourself happy.
How many times do we sacrifice ourselves to please other peoples needs? How many times do you stay with a person just because you want to be with this person? Even you truly know this is not healthy for you.
So here is the story and my 3 take away keys. I’m really grateful for her love, her attention, and she was such a blessing in my life. I wish that you will experiment such beautiful harmony and unconditional love one day in your life.
3 Keys to Self Love
1. Acknowledge your needs – Take Care of yourself first:
Koh Phangan, Thailand, I was chilling on the beach when my very good friend Cecile calls me and said that she has someone to introduce to me, apparently someone who was doing Human Design, new on the island! So obviously it teased my curiosity! Imagine, succeeded to make me move from the beach, means that my friend really teased my curiosity about this person, hahaha but anyway, I went to the coffee place.
This is how and when I met her, a few months ago, I remember I was very centered, very aligned with work and career, everything was so flowing perfectly in my life, I was super happy and fulfilled in terms of my job, and I still am. But regarding my relationship life, well, empty, nothing, so I was a bit vulnerable and needed in this area. I knew straight that she will be an amazing opportunity in my life. And one of the first things I told her, it was these words: ” Acknowledge your needs – if you want to change your life, you have to be aware of what you want and don’t want in your life regarding to love yourself and respect yourself because people won’t respect you if you cannot be true with yourself, so you have to speak your truth.“
Guess what, I wasn’t expecting that she will reflect so perfectly.
As a Reflector in the human design, she mirrored me. How funny that when you are ready you meet the right people that will help you to move forward in your life. She was ready to receive love, attention, support, recognize how beautiful she is, how truly funny and awesome she is, and I was ready to be true with myself, to stop abusing my sacral energy anymore…
So here is my first take away with exercise and it should be yours too: self-love comes by acknowledging our needs.
One of my great inspiration on this topic would be from the Dr. John Demartini, I had the chance to meet him and to have an interview with, he shared that most people end up by living the values of someone else. Which means living in the shadow of someone else?
Our Highest Values are what determine ourselves, they are what we stand out for, they are our fuel and brings to us a sense of purpose and motivation to navigate through life. This is why acknowledging ours needs is very important, it’s like asking yourself: “What is important to me right now?” When you say “yes” to someone be sure that you are not saying “no” to yourself. Otherwise, you will end up with the ABCDEFGH negatives expressions from unrealistic expectations in a relationship.
Anger and aggression
Blame them and betrayed you? Because you betrayed yourself.
Criticism and challenges
Depressed and disturb, desperate
Exit and escape – you want to exit and escape from this relation
Frustration and fantasy.
Hate, and feel hurt or hurt your partner
Can you relate to all those negative emotions that will come up if you don’t respect yourself and put the expectation on others to live according to your values? Right, so now, I want you guys to take a piece of paper, and to write down what actually you want from your life, from your business, from your relationship, friendships! Acknowledge your needs will make the difference in your communication because communication is the KEY!
Communication creates partnership, communication creates friendship, it creates relationships, but let me tell you what communication mostly does, it creates bonds, a strong link between human beings! Being able to speak your truth and share with vulnerability and authenticity “This is my needs, this is what I want, this is what I need now in my life” and stick with it. Stay true to yourself. That will build the first foundation of Self-Love and you will stop putting the responsibility on other people to make you happy.
Self-discipline is the definition of self-love. when you say you love yourself, that means that you won’t put yourself in any more situations that you know will make things worse, that you have traits towards yourself, it’s like when you say “hey man look, I know you wanna eat that pizza, I really know, and it will be really good, but I can’t let you do because if you eat that pizza you will feel like shit right? and I love you too much to let you eat that!“
And Will Smith talks about discipline as a self-respect, the word discipline may scare people, but it’s really about self-respect, “I respect myself too much to allow that”.
Self-discipline is telling yourself “Hey sweetheart, I know you love this man, I really know that you like him but right now you need to focus on yourself regarding being able to give back, So I can’t let you fall into his arms again. I love you too much to compromise yourself right now.“
I was amazed to see her determination to discipline herself and change her life, but I was also amazed to see how we could easily lose focus and get off track when we were together… Simply by making love, by hanging out, or doing everything excepting stay focus on our own purpose.
She wanted a friendship, I wanted more… So here is the part on how can we put ourselves first without feeling guilty, How can we stop compromise ourselves and please the desires of others.
Abraham Hicks said, “The great secret of the universe really, is minding your own business, what we mean by that, is don’t get so involved in the desires or beliefs of others that you cause confusion or challenges in your own vibration, and compromise your own alignment.”
We have such a tendency to lose ourselves in the life of other people, scrolling down the feed on Facebook and we get so depressed by watching all this fake happiness comparing our lives to others…
Stay centered, stay focus on your own needs. And this is what she did. We traveled together to Kuala Lumpur from Thailand for our visa run and moved to Chiang Mai, North Thailand.
She stayed focus and told me, “Ben, please no more love, it’s so confusing for me at the moment and I really need first to heal myself, to focus on myself, my work, my new career, I want to have my own home, etc.”
I said okay. She got everything she needs in 3days and a $1000 client. So accept it or not, when you let go the shit, focus on yourself and don’t feel responsible for other people, the universe will reward you, and bring to you everything you need.
There is great love here for you, and this love will be transformed in self-love and self-respect.
A few days later, I got really sick, we had a huge argument that hurt my heart and we both created so much pain to each other, the reason why is because I said yes to the needs of someone else without acknowledging my own needs. I haven’t done for myself first what I told her months before. I do not want a friendship, I’m not ready for that, my business is awesome, I have an abundance of money, abundance of friends, I’ve my own space, what I wanted today was a relationship to share all those things. So because I wanted so much to have her around me I compromised myself by accepting her values and needs and created confusion in my own vibrations. Right?
So I became so damn fucking sick… Fever, weak, my throat was hurting so much… By not respecting myself, I create confusion, expectations, and suffering for me and others.
I was so scared to lose her if I spoke my truth that I compromise myself, I abused on my sacral energy and wasn’t aligned with my purpose.
Today I’m still not sure on what I want with her, but I found the courage to really express it to her and said I do want more, I can’t be friends with you now without feeling for you, so it’s not fair for me to be your friend and hang out. Because it will make me suffer and obviously it will make you suffer too. And I’m not ready for that.
Live in service to humanity, live in service to your higher purpose, and you will see, this is the pure form of joy… I do love her and I wished her the best in her journey, I thank her for our amazing time.
Here is your second take away and exercise: Be sure that when you say YES to someone you are not saying NO to yourself. Be sure that when you do something you really respect yourself and your own truth. Self-discipline yourself.
“The road to happiness is by disciplined your behavior”
3. Work on your mind – Master your emotions you will master your life.
Work harder on yourself than you do on your job, work harder on yourself than you do on your business, see if you can find some ways to multiply your value to the market… See during many years I was hoping that the economy will change, I was hoping that my life will change, that my paycheck will change, was hoping that circumstances outside will change, and this is what I found out, it isn’t going to change, so then my question was, if it isnt to change, how my life will never change?
And here is what my teacher told me: when you change, everything will change for you, when you get better, everything will get better for you.
I pick up that phrase, you don’t have to change the marketplace, you don’t have to change of girlfriend or boyfriend, economy, country, or whatever.
You have to change, and things will change for you.
Changing your behaviors, your negative habits, and good lord yes it is difficult to face it. And no one will do it for you, this is why you have to Self-discipline yourself.
“You cannot win the war against the world if you cannot win the war against your own mind” – Will Smith
Let me tell you something I hardly learn during my services in the Special Forces. The Marines have a saying “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody is ready to die” and this is so real as a center for your life. Being able to choose actions that are for our own interest. Every day we choose shit that is not for our own interest and compromise our own alignment. The world is full of distractions, practicing mindfulness is highly recommended to stay focus on what is important for us. We sell our happiness to other people expecting them to save us from our loneliness, pain, or lack of self-love…
A lot of people try to change, they want to get themselves on meditation, they want to get themselves on a workout, they want to get themselves on better patterns and behavior, or whatever they want to stop, right? They want to stop smoking, they want to stop eating this food… Well, I always tell people, STOP checking your phone for the first hour of the day! You know, you may hear this many time but how you go in the first hour of the day is how you win the day.
Our environment, a lot of people expect change but yet, they still have an unhealthy environment, so if you want to stop eating a specific food it helps to not have this food on your fridge. Right? So this is the same with self-love. If you want to truly learn how to love yourself, you have to stop putting yourself in a situation that you know you will end up by being the savor, you will end up with confusion, or sacrifice yourself for other’s happiness… Being aware of your needs, of your own, fucked up behaviors of creating drama, having your dose of dopamine or adrenaline when every 10sec you check your phone for a “like” or comment on your FB, observing yourself will help you a lot to shift and create wealth for yourself.
So can you see the correlation between self-love? Self-discipline?
Staying true to yourself will help you to get respect from other people, love from other people because they will recognize within you the power to truly respect yourself and love yourself. So remember, always take care of yourself first.
Working on your mind, on your own feelings and emotions, on your needs, and I think a lot of people suffer from decision fatigue, don’t push too much on yourself, discipline your mind, and focus on what is really important for you today. Acknowledge your needs and don’t let your mind overwhelmed with superficial information.
And I give you an example that truly made a difference in my life, it’s so simple and ridiculous but so powerful, you know why Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, and those entrepreneurs, wear the same clothes every day, is because we don’t want to waste the time on “oh what I’m gonna wear today” Focus your mind on what you truly want.
My last take away on this 3 keys to Self-Love is: Put a routine the first hour of the day, and the last hour of the day, and thank you to Kim Kwik for his inspiration. Work on your mind and emotions, don’t let them take the control and bring you into this infernal spiral that will destroy you and kick your energy down.
Here are again my 3 keys to Self-Love,
- Acknowledge your needs
- Work on your mind, and emotions
Of course, this is a simple tree in the gigantesque complexity of Amazon’s forest right… We can find more key or recipes for self-love and I encourage to keep looking, to keep working on yourself. Ingredients will be self-compassion, being kind and sweet to yourself, but mostly, put yourself first no matter what! Don’t neglect your needs anymore, stop pleasing people.
I Hope that was helpful for you guys, I’m delighted to share this story with you, I’m feeling way better today, still a bit sick but actually way better since I took this time for myself and simply correct the line.
Remember there are no mistakes, it’s okay to be off track because it all leads to the same path, even you are on a little detour right now. So enjoy the ride. I was off track with this beautiful girl, and it’s okay, now I hope that we will find a way to communicate or to be friends or who knows, maybe more, but what I know is that I will never compromise myself anymore because I’m looking for something I want but the person can not provide my needs.
Thanks a lot for your time and reading, I invite you to check out the next retreat, to check out the sessions I offer on Human Design and Coaching and looking forward to reading your comment and your experience!
May the force be with you